Apparently you make a good broom.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
