They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
