my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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