True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
