I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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