I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
