drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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