I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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