mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize