considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
