I'm going to rape someone's good day.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
