# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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