I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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