yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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