Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
