Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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