Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
just found out that she named her cat after me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
