I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize