fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
