I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
