Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
