my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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