Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
