remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
