I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
