I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
