Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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