if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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