Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
