I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
