Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
