i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
