She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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