Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize