Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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