just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
