even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
