he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
