Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize