I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
