He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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