my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Panties = found
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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