There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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