3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
