Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
