billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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