If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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