i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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