it was like his penis was on wheels.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
