Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
