Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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