I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just had sex bonerless
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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