I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
