I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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