I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
