You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
