can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
