btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
