they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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