I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
